


Siempre que hago algo

by sayoko



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: I'm not sure how to tag, M/M, This is a sad, and an unpleasing, huh...., this is... not a cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 10:38:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9719531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sayoko/pseuds/sayoko
Summary: Haah... This was based on the idea that, it is actually Illumi who approaches Hisoka the most in the series. Like, it is him who calls him during the Hunter Exam, it is him who offers him unnecessary help. So, I wondered, what if all that was because he likes him, but like, what if he liked him so much, it was actually a crush. Or worse. What if it was worse than a crush? And what if he was the only one feeling that way?This is also a veeeeeery belated birthday gift for@dalbergiaretusa. Sorry u u I hope it hurts.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [title is also a song ](https://say0ko.tumblr.com/post/157241315428), what an awful day to publish this

Illumi stepped towards to Hisoka, who was sitting at the edge of the bed. The setting sun slipped through the window blinds of the hotel room and lines of warm orange tinted the magician’s skin, made his hair an even more incandescent red. Illumi stood between his legs and, as Hisoka looked up at him, fingertips barely grazing his skin, Illumi could feel the warmth of the sunset in his blazing, golden eyes.

He had asked for Illumi to undress first, and indulging him had been a good choice. Illumi exulted in the way Hisoka gazed at him with what was nothing but pure admiration.

Sadly, the moment didn’t last long. A smirk took over the magician’s expression, revealing something else had occupied his mind.

Hisoka parted his lips to speak, but only managed to huff and smile.

“What is it?” Illumi asked.

The redhead tilted his head and looked up again. The shadowplay accentuated his smirk disturbingly as he dragged his nails across the back of Illumi’s thighs.

“I want to ask you something.” He paused, smiled broader. “Could you disguise as someone else?”

There was a short moment of alarm, like electricity spreading through Illumi’s chest. Hisoka couldn’t be referring to himself; he knew Illumi could mimic him with extreme accuracy. They had already fucked like that. Three times, to be more precise. Not even Hisoka could forget something that had already happened three times.

He had to be referring to someone else. Even though he couldn’t know all the people the redhead could be interested in, Illumi had a hunch. His brain made the jump immediately after the question was asked. It had to be _him_. He hated that it had to be him.

Illumi made sure all emotions were safely secured away from his tone before making the dreaded question.

“And that someone else would be…?”

Hisoka dropped his head back and the smile, the malicious grin, told Illumi that his gut was right, that he didn’t want to hear this.

“Chrollo”

The answer resonated in the small room and, for a brief moment, Illumi felt the pierce of an invisible blade in his chest.

Thankfully, the pain didn’t show, not entirely at least. A fleeting twitching of brows, that was all Illumi let through. However, Hisoka’s sharp eyes caught the movement and, although he didn’t really understand what it meant, he believed he did.

“Of course, if you can’t do it, I understand,” he said in the most casual way, as if telling the assassin he couldn’t do something wasn’t both an insult and a challenge.

Of course Illumi could disguise as Chrollo. The snide comment was actually trying to ascertain whether Illumi was _okay_ with it or not.

Hisoka stared at him smugly, well-aware of how dense his apparently simple remark really was. If Illumi said no, Hisoka would ask why. Why was he okay disguising as others for killing but not for sex? What made sex so special? It wasn’t a particularly terrible topic, but both knew Illumi didn’t like discussing sex.

In reality, he just didn’t want to listen to the trickster’s speech. He didn’t want to listen to Hisoka getting all condescending on him, talking like his vast sexual history gave him some kind of superiority over him. This, however, was something he would never confess aloud.

Anyway, Illumi could still say no to the petition. Hisoka would probably mock him for his supposed prudishness, but that would be it. They would surely end up having ‘normal’ sex anyway. Fucking was the sole purpose of their meeting and it was not going to change because Illumi refused to one of the many whims of the trickster.

Despite the petition, and despite the remark, Illumi was calmer now. It was a relief to see that Hisoka believed his indecision was a matter of moral doubts and still had no idea what his real issue was.

Actually, for someone who had managed to learn how to read behind his mask of impassiveness and his lies, Hisoka was pretty blind, Illumi thought.

Or maybe he wasn’t. Maybe Hisoka _had_ figured it out, but didn’t care. Maybe Illumi meant so little to him that even knowing that piece of information-

Illumi swept away the thoughts from his head. It was not the time to dwell on them. Now, he had to answer.

“If you think you can get something else from this…”

“I know, I know…” Hisoka interrupted him a toothy smile. “You won’t fight me. C’mon Illu, we have been through this before, don’t I deserve a vote of confidence by now?”

Illumi glared at him, his eyes thin slits, then sighed.

“Wait here.”

He stepped away and took some pins from his clothes on the floor. In less than five minutes, and with the help of the wide mirror in the en-suite bathroom, Illumi came back into the room turned into a different person; hair shorter, still black, eyes softer, yet still completely black.

He had managed to achieve the magic with only four pins. They were strategically pierced on the back of his head and behind his ears, carefully covered by his hair, all to ensure a perfect illusion.

They hurt, but the way Hisoka stared at him dumbfounded when he came back into the room was enough to make him forget about that.

“So you like it, then.”

Hisoka stood up and circled around Illumi, devouring each angle with his eyes, even though the only thing Illumi had changed were his face and hair. The redhead stopped in front of him, with a look Illumi couldn’t decipher entirely.

“It’s perfect,” he answered with his eyes locked on the borrowed features, then cocked his head to the side, “your eyes are still black, though.”

Alarm sirens fired again in Illumi’s brain.

“I can’t change them. You should know that already.”

“Really? Ah…” And then he frowned. “But what about your voice?”

Illumi felt his chest tighten at the carefree question. How could he not remember? How could he not remember that yes, he could and had already imitated his voice? Maybe it didn’t have the same accuracy of his facial modifications, but it was still good.

He would not imitate the thief, though. Not just because Hisoka’s forgetfulness was offensive, but also because the more details he changed, the less of Illumi’s real features remained.

It was a stupid thought. He knew it. He knew perfectly well that it didn’t matter what image he took, underneath he would always be himself.

Then again, he had never seen himself in a situation like this before.

He looked up at the magician, and felt his heart race. With the height from his heels, he managed to be taller than Illumi. Shorter, unarmed, undressed, wearing the face of the man Hisoka wanted to fight most on Earth; there was no way Illumi could be any more vulnerable than that. His mind was screaming at him to stop and run away, but, instead of that, he sat on the spot at the edge of the bed where Hisoka was just moments before, leaned back leisurely and raised a brow.

“Did you ask me to come here to fuck or to chat?”

Hisoka laughed through his wide smile. “Ah! You’re right! As usual, you’re right, _Danchou,_ we’re not here to talk.”

Illumi wouldn’t run away.

Even if he hated the way Hisoka lyrically dragged that damned word, he wouldn’t.

He couldn’t.

He wanted him way too much.

 

The magician drew near, but Illumi stopped him by raising a knee between them.

“No no,” he said, and then he spread his legs apart. “Kneel.”

It was a bold move considering he had no idea how Chrollo would act in bed or what Hisoka was expecting, but Illumi assumed that if he was calling him ‘boss’, then he should act like one.

“Of course, _Danchou_ ,” Hisoka said with a smile, and Illumi assumed that if he smiled, then he was pleased with his boss’ attitude.

It was all fine.

Illumi kept repeating that sentence in his mind as a mantra. Hisoka was entertained. They were going to have a good time, like always, and it was all going to be fine.

Quickly, eagerly, Hisoka went down to his knees and got to work without need of further instructions. Warm lips traveled through Illumi’s thighs, kissing and nibbling their way up.

But it was all too eager. A voice in the back of Illumi’s head kept telling him it was all too eager, all too pleasing, too different to how Hisoka had been with him before. He ignored the voice. Of course it was going to be different to all their previous encounters. It had to be, or else it would mean his disguise had been unconvincing, or worse, boring.

“Danchou, do you know how much I have waited for this?” Hisoka breathed against his skin.

“For what? To suck me off?” Illumi asked derisively.

“To touch you,” he answered unaffected by Illumi’s tone, then licked all the way from the base of his cock to the tip, “to taste you.”

Skillful lips caressed him, encircled him, welcomed him into his mouth, and soon the delicious warmth started dissolving his worries away.

Illumi brushed his fingers through the red hair, tried to focus on him and only him.

“Hands off,” Illumi ordered and, once again, Hisoka did as told. The hand on Hisoka’s head tightened its grip as it guided him, setting a new pace for him to follow. He loved the view. He loved it when Hisoka sunk to his knees, worshipped him in the most lewd ways. He loved how this man, this terribly dangerous man, surrendered under his touch and, even if it was just for that moment, he became his.

An idea flashed through Illumi’s mind, an idea that always assaulted him at moments like these.

_If I could put a needle in his brain, if I could order him to be only mine…_

That was, once again, a stupid thought that Illumi was quick to discard.

What he felt for the magician was not love. If anything, he would call it an infatuation. It hadn’t started strong. No butterflies flew inside his ribcage the first time he saw his vulpine smile. No, but there was a spark. There was a weak, seemingly insignificant spark that, like all unattended fires, had started to grow silently and now it was bad enough to be able to make him feel jealous of another man.

He had no business entertaining ideas like that. He could not risk this foolish crush turning into something else.

 

When Illumi felt himself getting closer to the edge, he let go of Hisoka’s hair.

“Hisoka,” he hissed.

Hisoka pulled back and took a deep breath before speaking.

“Close?” he laughed with a coarse voice.

Illumi half-nodded, half-shuddered and, to his surprise, saw how Hisoka started pumping his cock.

“Then come.”

Illumi leaned back on his forearms when Hisoka started sucking again. It didn’t take long for him to completely melt under the swirls of his skilful tongue.

When he looked back down, Hisoka was grinning at him.

“…What?”

Hisoka let his jaw drop; the load he had just emptied in him was still in his mouth.

“You’re so gross,” Illumi said, and let his weight fall back to the bed. He stared at the old air conditioner on the ceiling, whirring painfully right above his head, and wondered what Hisoka would want now. Considering how things had started, he had thought Hisoka wanted his boss to top, but if he had made him come first, it was not the case.

He looked back to him. Hisoka had pulled down his clothes just enough to free his own erection and stroke it, easing the friction with the come from before.

“Wait, what are you doing?”

Firm hands pushed Illumi further up the bed so easily he felt like a ragdoll.

“Hisoka,” Illumi warned, lifting his torso to meet Hisoka’s face close as he hovered over him.

“Danchou~” He responded in a sing song voice. “Can you hold these up for me?”

Hisoka lifted Illumi’s legs over his shoulders.

“Hisoka, put on something,” Illumi warned again, more clearly.

The redhead smiled at him as if telling him he didn’t know what he meant, that he was pretty much still fully dressed, ‘what else do you want?’.

“A condom,” Illumi specified.

“Ah!” Hisoka slapped his forehead lightly. “Of course, Danchou, but first…” And he slowly pushed Illumi’s legs until his knees were touching his chest, then reached for Illumi’s hands at his sides and guided them to the back of his knees. “Hold these up for me?”

It was difficult, not to say impossible, for Illumi to tear his eyes from Hisoka’s. His voice was dripping honey, but his eyes were smoldering, liquid gold threatening to burn him alive the second he lost sight of them.

Hisoka leaned back, and, as he moved his hands away, Illumi realized that he could not do the same with his.

“Thank you!~” Hisoka sung cheerfully.

Illumi went still. He didn’t like being tied or limited in any way, yet now his hands and legs were glued together with an unbreakable bond, leaving him in the most exposed position he could imagine.

And even so, he didn’t flail his limbs to try to release himself. He didn’t raise a single word of protest.  He couldn’t. He was frozen in place. It was not just the obvious fear of Hisoka getting carried away. He trusted, maybe unwisely, that Hisoka wouldn’t break his word of not turning their bed into a ring. There was more. There was the fear of being so vulnerable. There was the fear of realizing how much he liked feeling vulnerable, the rush of adrenaline that each touch of the magician provoked.

There was the fear of how easy he had fallen, too. He was afraid of how quickly Hisoka had been able to turn their roles around. Which lead to another fear, the one that the only reason why this had happened in the first place, was because it was him. Illumi could not think of anyone else he would allow getting so dangerously close. He could not think of anyone else he _wanted_ this close.

He wanted him, even if it was dangerous and unwise. He wanted his full attention. He wanted to lose himself in Hisoka and for Hisoka to do the same with him, to feel the same as him…

And then, there was the worst fear of all: the fear that if he spoke, if he complained, Hisoka would end all right there.

Hisoka lifted his gaze towards his, raised his brows in surprise, and grinned as he leant down once more.

“Oh, Danchou,” he purred to Illumi’s ear. “Don’t look at me so scared.” And then Illumi could feel the head of his cock pressing at his entrance. “If you look at me like that, I don’t know if I’ll be able to contain myself.”

_Danchou._

Illumi bit his lip to avoid groaning at the feeling of Hisoka’s practically dry cock slowly prodding into him. And he discovered he did mind. The answer to the question from before; he did mind, the lack of proper lubrication at least.

But he was not a wimp, and he had endured so much worse pain in his life, so he just gritted his teeth and tried to relax.

“Danchou, you’re so tight,” Hisoka groaned.

_Danchou._

Illumi tried not to frown at that. It was a bad habit, to lose his facial control while wearing someone else’s face. He had to stay composed. Hisoka had already seen fear in him. He could not let him see anything else.

“And so hot, fuck! You’re so hot inside, Danchou~”

_Danchou._

_Danchou._

_Danchou._

Illumi turned his head to the side. None of the compliments, none of the comments were actually directed to him.

It was pathetic to admit it, but Illumi found this detail more exasperating than the actual physical pain.

“Hisoka,” Illumi suddenly remembered, “don’t come inside.”

There was a short laugh, then a tongue sliding along his neck and up to his ear.

“Of course, my love~”

Illumi felt his blood freeze at the answer.

_…What?_

Had he meant it? Had he really meant it?

_‘My love’?_

Illumi shut his eyes tightly and gathered all his strength not to think anymore, focus only on the slowly building pleasure, the still too strong burn, anything, anything that could distract him, make him forget that-

_None of these compliments are for me…_

 

The sentence was not uttered again, not even when Hisoka came, noisy and energetically, deep inside Illumi’s ass.

The ‘Danchou’ word, however, had been repeated many times more.

It made it impossible for Illumi to fully disconnect, or to find comfort in the self-told lie that maybe Illumi’s face was still there, somewhere deep in Hisoka’s brain, while he cooed sweet nothings to his ear.

Finally, Hisoka set off the aura trap around Illumi’s hands, and he was able to lay down his legs again.

Almost instantly, Illumi sat up turning his back to Hisoka, and slid off the bed.

His legs wobbled for an instant, muscles still cramping from all the inconsiderate weight Hisoka had put on them.

“Careful there, Danchou.”

It was the last straw.

Without turning back, Illumi pulled out the four needles hidden on his head. He felt an instant relief when his features went back to normal, when he felt his long hair cover the bareness of his back again.

“Oh, Illumi?”

Illumi tightened the grip on his needles. What kind of voice was that? And why couldn’t Hisoka just say what he wanted to say instead of pronouncing such an awful question? A question that sounded like he had just remembered it was really Illumi who was there.

“Yes?” He managed to ask back in a totally even tone.

“Are you taking off your disguise?”

He took a deep, silent breath. He could think of a thousand snarky responses to that. But instead, he kept his cool façade.

“Yes. I can’t go out from here looking like-”, Illumi hesitated, “someone else.”

There were shifting noises from the bed.

“Ah, are you leaving?” Hisoka asked, and his voice sounded even more surprised.

“Yes,” Illumi answered curtly, and walked away to the bathroom.

He could hear Hisoka asking something else, but he didn’t bother paying attention to it. He turned on the shower. He wanted to wash away all of the come that was dripping from him.

“Do you really have to go?” Hisoka’s voice came suddenly from the bathroom door.

“Yes,” Illumi answered without interrupting his short shower. “I have to be somewhere else.”

“Oh… I thought you said you were free today.”

And he was.

“Ah, sorry, you must have misheard.”

Illumi stepped away from the shower and dried himself with the towel that hung next to it. Hisoka was watching. His sharp eyes were examining his every move. Illumi knew it, so he avoided his stare.

Even if it was more suspicious that he wasn’t just staring at him upfront, he didn’t meet his eyes.

He looked away, looked away as he walked right by him back into the room, looked away as he picked up his clothes from the floor and started getting dressed.

“…I wish you could stay a little longer,” Hisoka finally said, and the soft tone almost makes Illumi falter.

_…You want ‘me’ to stay?_

Illumi swung his long hair as he turned around to face him.

“Pay me then,” he said, and stuck out the tip of his tongue. Then, when he saw Hisoka’s eyes widen and shine, he turned away again and added, “Just kidding. I don’t sell myself. Not that way at least.”

He heard a sigh behind him.

“I can never get your jokes…”

Rushedly, Illumi finished putting on his clothes and pins. He gave a last look to Hisoka and, with a compact smile, he said goodbye.

He kept the smile on as he walked across the corridor, took the elevator, and walked out of the building.

He made no eye contact with anyone on his way. He got into the first cab that stopped and paid no attention to the state of it, the license, not even to the face of his driver.

Illumi looked out of the window and the streets looked all new to him, like it was the first time he ever visited the city.

The driver had to call out to him twice when they reached their destination, another hotel, one with a room booked beforehand, just for himself.

He was fine.

He could not recall any details from the trip he had just made, or what the entrance of the building looked like, or how he had ended in front of his room door.

But he was fine.

Illumi closed the door behind him and tossed the keys on the bed. He still felt gross, dried sweat itching on his skin.

When he turned on the bathroom light, he was faced directly with his reflection.

It was him. Purely him. No disguises. No hidden pins… It should have been a relief.

Illumi’s gaze suddenly blurred, and it took him a moment to understand it was his eyes watering.

_It’s me…_

Illumi automatically walked over to the big tub, the only good thing his room provided, and turned on the hot water.

_It was me…_

He undressed, clothes being tossed uncaringly to the tile floor.

_It was me. Underneath the disguise, it’s always me…_

He sat on the tub and leaned back, the coldness of the ceramic woke him up from his evasive haze.

_But he doesn’t want ‘me’._

The truth he had been trying to lock out from his brain finally hit him full front, a knife thrusting deep into his ribs.

The bathroom was silent except for the sound of flowing water, and it only made Illumi even more aware of himself, of his body, of his features, all of them his, all painfully different from the thief’s.

_He doesn’t love me…_

It was pathetic. Why was he allowing himself to react so dramatically to something so unimportant? He shouldn’t care if Hisoka loved him, or Chrollo, or the damned king of Gorteau. He shouldn't care if Hisoka had really meant it, or if the only person he could feel love for was himself. He shouldn't wonder if, even so, there could still be a chance to get a place in his heart. He should not wonder if he even had one.

_It’s just a crush. It’s just a stupid crush._

Illumi parted his lips to repeat the sentence aloud, as if by doing that it would become real, but the lie couldn't leave his mouth.

“Fuck…” he hissed, and leaned forward to hide his face behind his knees.

He remained that way for a long time.

 

**Author's Note:**

> comments are restricted 'cause i don't really wanna read them, or this, again  
> haaaaaaah thank and bye


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